It's been a long time......

holy crap, batman. where has the time gone?????
as with most things, i have great intentions. my follow through, however... not so much.

it appears this blog became invisible to me over the last year. the symbolism is frightening. invisibility has proven to be both my angel & my devil. it battles me at the core of my very existence. if you can't see it, it's not really there. if i don't verbalize it, it remains hidden. i teeter between these two things in an attempt to strike some sort of balance. i could flick the switch and turn it off, pretending the monster inside me is not eating away at my myelin sheath. i could wait until it's visible before describing what it's like to live in my skin. or i could turn the switch on and shed some light in a sometimes dark place.

today i would like to turn the light on. perhaps the wintry weather has set the stage for self-reflection, but that is neither here nor there.

i am silently "diseased". not in the mental health kind of way. although i am certain that is subject to interpretation. i make reference medically. in the MS-is-trying-to-kick-my-ass-and-you-don't-know-it-if-i-don't-tell-you kind of way. i look good. that's just one of the demons of the disease. poison is streaming through my bloodstream as i sit here and write. but you can't see that either. i ate solid food yesterday & i didn't need an anti-nausea medication to aid me in the endeavor. these two things made it to my gratitude list last night. i take these moments when i can. to ground me. to bring me back to simplicity.

i have no urgency to vent today. i am exactly where i am meant to be at this moment.
MS continues to teach me the true meaning of powerlessness. but i'm still makin' it my b*tch.

The End.